It is not despair

"Courage is the best defense that you have now." -Gandalf

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.” -Joshua 1:9

"Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand." -Isaiah 41:10

Being brave and having courage is not very easy right now. I haven't had much time to write out the things that have been going on in our family but it has been a fairly difficult year.

Ezra our sweet little guy has had lots of issues. We have struggled through FTT (failure to thrive), lip and tongue tie, hospital stay do to lack of nutrition and FTT, formula problems, RSV, Developmental Delays and a hospital stay to combat dehydration due to a stomach bug. We have been at the doctors office constantly. We have seen a GI and Neurologist. We have been evaluated by ECI (early childhood intervention) and receive services for PT (physical therapy), OT (occupational therapy) and SST (special skills therapy). When we are not keeping appointments we are checking on insurance, making endless calls to schedule this or that, working on the tasks set by all the therapists and trying to just make it through the day, oh and I have 3 other children.

It's been pretty rough. I get discouraged. I wonder and hope that Ezra will overcome these delays. I pray and beg that we would be past this already. I slip into that mental place where I blame myself and feel crushing guilt because surely there must be a cause for all of this and maybe if I figure it out we can get over it. I get frustrated and think I don't deserve this and I did so much right during my pregnancy and other people have 4  kids and don't have these issue, why me? My thoughts are sometimes very very dark. But I won't stray there in this blog (for those thoughts are trash) - I already did with a very good friend and the ladies of my missional community and they listened and encouraged and prayed and we brought it into the light - and I will continue to "demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God and take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ."

The thing is it is easy to go to the dark places and easy to stay there but we don't have to. Jesus is the good news calls us into the light. The truth is God is worthy of my trust and I do not deserve anything (other than death - thank God that Jesus carried that which I deserved and died in my place). I have so much to thank God for and when I thank him I combat much of the darkness. He gives hope. He makes me brave enough to face the next day, the next hour, the next minute, the next breath.

Where we are now with Ezra is this: Ezra is 16 months old. He will sit for about 5 min on his own. He is getting stronger and has begun to army crawl. He is making progress in his oral development and is eating more food. He has started to babble a bit. But we need prayer. Ezra needs help, he needs healing. Ezra needs his therapies (which have been lacking) and this tired momma needs the Spirit of God inside me to see me through.

I place my hope in Jesus and to some that is folly and to some it would be easy to despair but in the words of J.R.R. Tolkien,

“Despair, or folly?' said Gandalf. 'It is not despair, for despair is only for those who see the end beyond all doubt. We do not. It is wisdom to recognize necessity, when all other courses have been weighed, though as folly it may appear to those who cling to false hope. Well, let folly be our cloak, a veil before the eyes of the Enemy!

'At least for a while,' said Elrond. 'The road must be trod, but it will be very hard. And neither strength nor wisdom will carry us far upon it. This quest may be attempted by the weak with as much hope as the strong.

Jesus is not false hope and in his strength I will walk forward facing the challenges Ezra has.

p.s. - can you tell I read LOTR in the last year?

p.s.s. - I can't figure out what I did to make the text appear in different sizes nor does anything I try fix it. So live with it. And my poor grammar.

p.s.s.s. - I think I fixed it. The way the text appears. My grammar can't be fixed. Like ever.

Mom

Mom,

I miss you so much. I am slammed again today even after 16 years with the loss of you. I keep thinking it should get easier each year but it's almost the opposite ever year I dread April Fool's Day because while some people enjoy the fun day of pranks I can only remember the day you died. I was just 15. It was awful and is etched in my memory. Sudden and without warning. I didn't know that when I hugged you and said I love you and went to Granny and Granddaddy's house for the night it was the last time. I didn't know that while drinking coffee and playing canasta after a lovely church service we would get a frantic call from Charity, 10 at the time saying you were knocked out. As Granddaddy flew down Telge at what must have been 70 miles per hour or higher I was unprepared to see you lying on the ground, and then whisked away in the the ambulance. I remember collapsing against the wall at the hospital when they came and told us you were gone. I remember looking on the empty you in the hospital bed.

I also remember how Jesus, whom you loved and taught me to love was with us. I remember praying as we raced to my house. I remember dad circling us up as the ambulance drove off and how he lead us in prayer to remember and trust Jesus. I remember the lady in the bathroom comforting me and telling me Jesus was with me - she left before me out the door but those waiting out side the door for me told me no one came out. I remember picking up your Bible and reading the verses you had highlighted and knowing the Jesus loved me - even though everything was all wrong and it seemed nothing could be right ever again. I remember listening your favorite artist Rich Mullins and the lyrics to "Hold Me Jesus." I remember how I was never truly alone that Jesus was with me. I remember your presence in the form of friends and family who love you.

The pain and loss of you is tremendous. I miss you. I wish most every day that you could see your grandsons and that they could know you. I wish I had had more time with you. I am thankful you are my mom. I am thankful you taught me to love Jesus. You gave me the best gift ever - you led me to him. I can't wait until the day I meet you again and we can be with Jesus together forever. I love you and miss you.

-Destiny

please excuse any poor grammar due to emotionalism...

Mom and Granny 

Mom's senior picture

Mom barrel racing

A beautiful bride

Mom with Jeremy

3

3 is a great number! Today Asher is 3! 

Asher David,

Your name suits you to a t!

Asher meaning happy. You make Mommy so happy, not a day goes by when you don't make me smile and laugh out loud. I love how you gallop when you are happy as you make your way to where ever you are headed. I love how you tell story after story and recount in great detail the events of the day or yesterday or 6 months ago. I love your big appetite and how hungry you always are (though you may need to plan on getting a job to pay for extra snacks as we do have a budget - you know). I love how you add "you know" to the end of half of your sentences you know. I love how smart you are - my clever little guy. I love your logic. You are a dangerous little dude as it is hard to say no to those sparkling eyes and dimpled cheeks when you ask in the sweetest voice for the things you desire (but sorry you can't have chocolate in your yogurt with out yogurt - nice try).

David meaning beloved and after your Pops and David of the Bible. You are so loved. Mommy and Daddy love you. Your brothers love you. Your Mimi, Pops, Graddad, Granny and all your Aunts and Uncles love you. Most of all you are loved by Jesus. You are brave and adventurous much like David in the Bible. You have a confidence that you can do things that no kid your age should be doing but you just go out and do it. It reminds me of how David knew and believed that God would defeat that mean 'ole giant Goliath and how he just went out there and fought the battle. I pray that you would grow and place your confidence in Jesus and that you would go out there and fight his battles, knowing the battle is already won!

Happy Birthday Asher!

Happy 1st Birthday Ezra!

Ezra Jordan,

Happy 1^st Birthday my sweet heart of my heart! I love you so much! You are my little tiny present from God.

Mommy and Daddy gave you a big name – a name we pray would draw you close to our God – Ezra Jordan.

Ezra after the Ezra in the Old Testament. Ezra was described as having “the hand of the LORD his God on him,” and one who “had set his heart to study the Law of the LORD, and to do it and to teach his statutes and rules in Israel.” My little Ezra my prayer is that you would have the hand of the LORD on you, that you would call the LORD your God, and that you would set your heart to study the Law of the LORD and to do it and teach it. Ezra is Hebrew for help. I pray that you would have the help of the LORD all your days and that in turn you would help others to know the LORD and know the help that is only found in Him.

Jordan after the Jordan River where so many miraculous things have happened, water stopped up so Israelites could cross on dry land, Naaman healed of leprosy and the Baptism of Jesus to name a few. Jordan is Hebrew for flowing down and we thought it fitting to name you “help flowing down” as a reminder to us all that our help comes flowing down from the LORD and we pray that it would continue to flow down into the lives of others.

I will also admit that during my drives to the midwife the last couple of months of pregnancy the song, The River by Jordan Feliz was always on the radio and at first I found it annoying but as I truly listened to the words I fell in love with the song. The song convinced me Jordan was the right name as it was firstly by Jordan and secondly and more importantly about The River – Jesus where our lives are changed.  So I will end my birthday blessing with the lyrics, though it’s better if you just listen to the song:

I know a place
Where we can go
To lay the troubles down eating your soul
I know a place
Where mercy flows
Take the stains make you whiter than snow

Like a tide it is rising up
Deep inside
A current that moves and makes you come alive
Living water
That brings the dead to life

We’re goin down to the river
Down to the river
Down to the river to pray
Let’s get washed by the water
Washed by the water
And rise up in amazing grace
Let’s go down, down, down to the river
You will leave changed
Let’s go down, down, down to the river
Never the same

I’ve seen it move
In my own life
Took me from dusty roads into Paradise
All of my dirt
All of my shame
Drowned in the streams that have made me born again

Like a tide it is rising up
Deep inside
A current that moves and makes you come alive
Living water
That brings the dead to life

We’re goin down to the river
Down to the river
Down to the river to pray
Let’s get washed by the water
Washed by the water
And rise up in amazing grace
Let’s go down, down, down to the river
You will leave changed
Let’s go down, down, down to the river
Never the same

Half A Year

Ezra is half year today! Happy 6 months buddy!

Weighing in at 11 lbs 7 1/2 oz. Standing (or laying) roughly 24 1/4 inches. Wearing 6 month clothing and size 1 diapers. Ezra has been weaned from supplements and is fed from mommy only. He has 1 tooth and 1 on the way (which does not make mommy happy - where is that bottle?). Ezra sleeps for one 5-6 hr stretch a night. He will not nap for longer than 15-20 minutes unless mommy is wearing him in the beco. Ezra likes to be the center of attention or at least have a parent, sibling, dog, grandparent, friend or stranger making eye contact with him and then he's happy. He likes to jump. He can roll over both ways. He has good hand eye coordination and can shove just abut anything he grasps in his mouth. He loves string and rope and hair - all of which he pulls. Ezra is doing great!

Geckos and Rhinos

Geckos and Rhinos? What on earth do those things have in common? Observe these conversations:

Me: "You have searched me Lord and you know me"
Jude: "You have searched me Lord and you know me, Shiloh you say it then I'll be the gecko."
Me: "what's a gecko?"
Jude: "we did it at school today, I did it with Mrs... not Mrs. Lamar, the other one."
Me: "Mrs. LeCompte."
Jude: "Yes."
Shiloh: "You have searched me Lord, you know me."
Jude: "You have searched me Lord, you know me."
Me: "Oh, echo"


Chad and I having returned from dinner out in the Caymans, Christy put the boys to bed.

Christy: "So the boys asked me to sing the rhino song tonight, I have no idea what that song is, so I youtube searched for it and got nothing, what is the rhino song?"
Me: "I have no idea...hmmmm...they like me to sing the arky song but there are no rhinos in it...."
Chad: hmmmm....
Me: "what on earth?"
Christy: "I have no idea"
Chads: Singing to himself songs we sing to the boys "this rhino, Jesus loves me?"
Me: "Jesus loves me this rhino, for the Bible tells me so..."

my kids may need hearing exams....



Jude at school.



Shiloh decorating bday cupcakes.



Morning Asher.



Smile Ezra.

Bulking Up

Ezra has been bulking up. He is now 11 lbs 4.2 oz! LOL! He is still a tiny guy but the good news is that with a birth weight of 5 lbs 5.5oz he is now back on his growth curve (which is not on the charts)!

Yesterday we had our final follow up with the pediatric dentist who took care of his tongue tie and lip tie and she released us from her care and from all mouth exercises. I've met with a lactation consultant and Ezra's latch is now great. He is nursing well and we are now on a plan to wean him off supplements (which is for me an arduous process - because I have to track everything - and I'm an ESTP (myers brigg personality type) we don't do tracking and schedules and writing things down well). Once he is weaned from supplements I will wean myself from the medication I am taking to increase my milk supply. So hopefully we will be done with this whole process in a month or two (if I survive the scheduling - I feel my life slipping away just thinking about it).

Happy weight gain to Ezra!

Before

Before

Sorry its not the greatest but this was Monday.

After

After