Lately I've felt a little bit like it is always winter and never Christmas. And that my friends is a terrible feeling. It's a feeling of being stuck in a cold and dreary place and there is no light at the end. It is how I've been feeling about our journey with Ezra. It's appointment after appointment and test after test and never any answers. It's call after call to therapy places and doctors offices and insurance companies and never any results. It's watching babies much younger far surpass Ezra in hitting milestones and seeing little or no progress toward his milestones. It's fighting feelings of being overwhelmed and inadequacy and guilt over not working on therapy's enough at home. It's dealing with hurt and frustration that I can't get him seeing the therapists he needs to see and the ridiculous amount of money it is going to cost to pay those therapists once we get them. It's the not knowing how long I'm going to have to keep this up, how long is he going to be delayed. It's the fear that he might never catch up and this might be something permanent. It's not knowing if there is an end or if we will just be struggling for years and years....see melodramatic...
I'll go even further and let you all see the nerd I am...
I understand in part why Tolkien wrote the section about Frodo and Sam and the terrible journey to Mordor the way that he did. It is so terribly monotonous and you just want his writing about the journey to end because it seems as if nothing is happening and yet it goes on and on (I've heard many complaints over this part of the book) and yet it's awesome because in a small way you experience what it felt like to be on that long and terrible journey and just wanting it to end while reading. And I feel tired and weary like Frodo and Sam. When is this journey going to end? Is there any hope that is will end? And will it end all right? I don't have answers.
But I have Hope and it has come to me through the celebration of the Advent season and a remembering of all that God has done and has promised to do. 2000 some odd years ago God kept his promise that had been a long time coming in the sending of the Messiah. God sent his only Son, Jesus into the world and that is what we celebrate at Christmas. And if God kept his promise to send the Messiah then we can be assured that he will keep his promise, "he will dwell with them, and they will be his people and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall their be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passes away" (Revelation 21:4-5). I was reminded during the gathering of the church that I don't need a distraction in the form of Christmas events to get my thoughts off Ezra and the pain and suffering I'm experiencing because of our situation what I need is "a Hope that transcends the pain, suffering and brokenness." Jesus is that Hope. Jesus is my Hope. Christmas is my reminder of that Hope.
I leave you with the lyrics to one of my favorite songs, In Like a Lion by Relient K, you should google it and listen it's worth it:
In Like a Lion (Always Winter)
It's always nice to look out the window
And see those very first few flakes of snow
And later on we can go outside
And create the impression of an angel that just fell from the sky
When February rolls around I'll roll my eyes
Turn a cold shoulder to these even colder skies
And by the fire my heart it heaves a sigh
For the green grass waiting on the other side
It's always winter but never Christmas
It seems this curse just can't be lifted
Yet in the midst of all this ice and snow
Our hearts stay warm cause they are filled with hope
It'd be so nice to look out the window
And see the leaves on the trees begin to show
The birds would congregate and sing
A song of birth a song of newer things
The wind would calm and the sun would shine
I'd go outside and I'd squint my eyes
But for now I will simply just withdraw
Sit here and wish for this world to thaw
It's always winter but never Christmas
It seems this curse just can't be lifted
Yet in the midst of all this ice and snow
Our hearts stay warm cause they are filled with hope
And everything it changed overnight
This dying world you brought it back to life
And deep inside I felt things
Shifting everything was melting
Away oh away
And you gave us the most beautiful of days
Cause when it's always winter but never Christmas
Sometimes it feels like you're not with us
But deep inside our hearts we know
That you are here and we will not lose hope
And see those very first few flakes of snow
And later on we can go outside
And create the impression of an angel that just fell from the sky
When February rolls around I'll roll my eyes
Turn a cold shoulder to these even colder skies
And by the fire my heart it heaves a sigh
For the green grass waiting on the other side
It's always winter but never Christmas
It seems this curse just can't be lifted
Yet in the midst of all this ice and snow
Our hearts stay warm cause they are filled with hope
It'd be so nice to look out the window
And see the leaves on the trees begin to show
The birds would congregate and sing
A song of birth a song of newer things
The wind would calm and the sun would shine
I'd go outside and I'd squint my eyes
But for now I will simply just withdraw
Sit here and wish for this world to thaw
It's always winter but never Christmas
It seems this curse just can't be lifted
Yet in the midst of all this ice and snow
Our hearts stay warm cause they are filled with hope
And everything it changed overnight
This dying world you brought it back to life
And deep inside I felt things
Shifting everything was melting
Away oh away
And you gave us the most beautiful of days
Cause when it's always winter but never Christmas
Sometimes it feels like you're not with us
But deep inside our hearts we know
That you are here and we will not lose hope
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