Do you ever get the feeling that maybe just maybe God doesn't really love you? Like you are playing some game of he loves me, he loves me not and you are just hoping that you end up on the petal that says he loves me. Well if you do then you are definitely not alone. This last month I realized that deep down in the core of my being I was questioning the love God has for me. Silly right? I mean I know in my head that he does. In fact I can quote and find a million verses (well if I could count to a million, or if there are even that many verses) in the Bible that tell me so. And there is a song, so obviously God must love me.
So it started innocent enough. A slight hiccup in my health/pregnancy (at least I thought so at the time, turns out it is not a big deal and shouldn't cause all the problems I immediately imagined, in fact it should be quite easily dealt with after Asher is born). In the midst of my fear I kept thinking I should ask God to heal me. Pause. No. Move on to next thought. And then I began to ponder why didn't I want to ask God to heal me? I pray for other people all the time. With sincere expectation that God will heal them so why not me? But every time I got close to praying for God to heal me I would move on to the next thought.
I tried to move on and just think that as soon as I have more information and know what I'm dealing with then I can freak out if I need to and I tried to shove my fear under the rug so to speak. And it was working to some degree.
Then I was reading Jude's new bible to him.
[Go buy this now! It is hands down the BEST children's bible I have come across. I love it! And it is only $10 and 2 days away when you purchase from Amazon (if you have prime).]
As I was saying I was reading to Jude the story of the fall, where Adam and Eve eat from the fruit that God had told them not to. The title for the story was "The Terrible Lie." This children's bible hit it on the nail. Eve believed a terrible lie. The heart of the lie: God doesn't really love me and is withholding something from me.
And I realized I have been falling for the same lie. That somehow God may not love me. That's why I didn't want to pray for healing because if I wasn't immediately healed maybe God doesn't really love me. Silly I know. Because the truth is God loves me. And the story of the bible is how God loves us and how we believed a lie and now we have to struggle against that lie constantly. Jesus came as God planned to rescue us from that lie and to show us that He does love us. He loves us so much that he died for us so that we could be restored to God and not doubt his love. Anyway I'm tired of the he loves me, he loves me not game and I choose not to believe that terrible lie. Instead I will constantly allow the truth to reign in me. HE LOVES ME!
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